Damn, Denial
1. Regression
Michigan Ave, Unit G
Chicago IL, 60615
My mouth was glued shut. Not literally, but there wasn’t much more I could say or do. Sitting in the middle of that king-sized bed made me feel so small. I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror and winced, I looked like I had a long night and I had. The doorbell buzzed and startled me. Without removing my eyes from the reflection of myself, I let my fingers trace the sheets and grasped my phone. Clicking into the doorbell camera, an image of three men holding various bouquets of red roses stood at the door.
“Hello?” I said into the phone.
“Hi, there! We have a delivery for Ms. Rahkell Parker.” He said, his voice chipper.
“Oh, thank you. Just leave them on the doorstep.” My voice was neutral.
“Oh, uh, well it’s quite windy, you don’t think you would like to,”
“Leave them on the doorstep,” I repeated my tone sterner. He nodded and turned to the men beside him to align as they each set down two vases. I sighed loudly, closing the app. It was only a matter of time before the texts rolled in. Maybe dinner, or some other gifts. The same routine over and over. There wasn’t really a reason the sight of flowers should make me sick, but the never-ending pit at the bottom of my stomach created a sea of hopelessness. My hand twirled the large diamond on my ring finger so that the stone was on the inside of my palm. I pressed my hand close tightly in hopes the sharp pain would shake me into reality. Nevertheless, I remained numb and silent. I wanted to lay back down and curl into a ball, but I knew I couldn’t. I had evaded responsibilities for much too long and eventually, my friends would come looking for me. I finally convinced myself to climb out of the bed and go to the bathroom. Once I had a closer look at myself in the mirror, I became even more disappointed. The focus of my eyes shifted to the words written on a small acrylic board in the corner. As I had done every day for the past 8 months, I inhaled deeply and recited the words that reminded me that I was enabling a lie.
“Love is being seen. Completely. Both good and bad. It is unconditional. Love is being both heard and understood. I will listen and be listened to passionately, empathetically, and intentionally. The only person I have control over is myself. I control my actions and my reactions. I am thankful for who I was, who I am, and who I will be. In turn, I show unwavering, unconditional gratitude. At this moment, I am sad, but I am not embarrassed, nor am I intimidated by emotion. I feel everything. While I could feel anger, I will select the most powerful reaction, which is no reaction at all.”
One year earlier
I couldn’t tell you if it was the forehead kisses or the sunlight forcing its way through the curtains that woke me up first. I blinked my eyes a few times before stretching slightly and turning to my side.
“Mmm.” I heard a groan from behind me.
“What’s wrong with you?” I said through a dry cracked voice.
“You always end up half-way off the bed and out of my arms.” He said and wrapped his arm around my waist, pulling me back in. My body slid across the soft sheets until my back crashed against his lower torso.
“And here I am, back up under you.” I closed my eyes and smiled. He kissed my ear and then exhaled.
“So, what do you want to do today, Dr. Rahk Parker?”
“I’m never going to get tired of hearing that Dr. D Mitchell.” I smirked and then turned over to him.
“I’m extremely proud of you.”
“It doesn’t feel real sometimes. Starting at like 23 not even knowing what was ahead.”
“You’re almost ready to defend. Then comes graduation. You’re establishing your business and you feel like it’s not real?”
“Daniel, you have to think about where we were a year ago.”
“I prefer to focus on the present and the fact that I get to wake up to you every day. That’s nice.”
“Yeah?” I shook my head before he turned me over and pulled me in for a kiss. I took his face into my hands slowly. As I inhaled deeply, I smelled fresh batter and turkey bacon cooking.
“Baby, do you smell that?”
“I do.”
“What the hell?”
“That’s your chef for the weekend.”
“My chef?”
“Happy Birthday, Baby.”
“My birthday is Saturday. I’ve been reminding you all week.”
“Your celebration of life is all week.” He refuted.
“Let’s see. David Yurman on Monday, Cartier bracelets on Tuesday, a Noah hoodie Wednesday, and a chef today?”
“Relax, we just getting started.” He pulled me back in and began kissing me sweetly.
“Baby, I have to go. I have to meet Khaila at the florist.”
“Not before you eat.”
“I’ma eat.” I protested.
“Not before I eat.” He smirked and tossed the comforter over his head.
“Daniel!” I screeched and tried to wiggle away. It was no use; within seconds he had my legs wrapped around his neck and my nails dug into the sheets. I moaned out his name loudly and gave in completely.
~~
“Yoohoo!” a voice called up the stairs, bringing my eyes back to focus. I recognized it with simplicity and quickly maneuvered my face into the sink to rid of the dried mascara and eyeliner.
“Good afternoon! Ready for food?” Jessie called out as she paraded into my room. I nodded my head, still scrubbing at tear stains.
“I am, I need one of their lemonades and some bread, bad.” I joked. I turned to see Jessie decked out in a long coffee brown pea coat with thigh high snake skin boots. Her ESR tote sat just at the beginning of her wrist and her hair was pulled into a slick high bun.
“Oh, we’re getting dressed, dressed.” I mumbled over my toothbrush.
“Um, yes. Lunch once every other week isn’t going to kill you. I’ll go into your closet and grab you something. Also – I brought those roses in, they’re beautiful! What type of surprise is he on to spending $400 on flowers just because?” She smiled large. I returned a fake smile.
“You know, Daniel, always keeping me on my toes, girl!”
1447 E. 53rd St
Chicago, IL 60615
“Everyone has outfits solidified for next weekend, right?” Jessie asked.
“What’s the plan anyway?” Mahogany asked, staring at me. I had completely zoned out thinking of my birthday.
“I have no clue. Daniel said he would text you all.” I responded, slowly cutting through my chicken.
“Speaking of surprises,” Harmony said and flipped her phone. We all glanced in the middle of the table at the phone to see Mel and Camille photographed at the Top 10 event on the red carpet, hand in hand dressed in burnt orange tones.
“What the fuck? When did this become a thing?” I blurted out.
“I didn’t even know they knew each other.” Jessie whispered under her breath.
“Send me this. Now.” I said and began dialing on my phone.
“Rahk, calm down. Where are you going?” Mahogany called after me.
“To make a call.” I stormed out of the door and waited for Camille to answer her phone.
“Hey Rahk, I don’t have much time, I’m about to head into a meeting.”
“You took Mel to the fucking Top 10 event?”
“Ah have the photos dropped already?” She asked, calmly.
“Don’t spew that shit to me Camille. I thought you and Mel were strictly business.”
“Does it matter if we’re more?” she was short and unbothered.
“You told me you think you’re in love with me last week.” my words were cold.
“And then you went home to Daniel.” Bitch, that is not the issue here.
“So, are you just fucking her or what?”
“No.”
“So. then what it is it?”
“Not that you’re entitled to any of my business, but I’m not just fucking her, Rahkell. We’re dating.” As she finished her sentence, I pulled the phone away from my ear and thought to throw it. The heads at my table turned as I pulled it back.
“Got it. I will mind my business from this point forward.” I hung up the phone without waiting for a response. When I returned to the table all eyes were on me.
“Are you good, mamas? Mahogany asked, staring me in the eyes.
“Just shocked to be informed that Mel and Camille are dating.” I muttered under my breath.
“Why does that matter, aren’t you in Daniel Land?” Jessie shot back, sliding a spoonful of mashed potatoes into her mouth.
“Is that the only comeback everyone has? When I was out here, no one seemed to be concerned. Now, I’m in a healthy situation, and all of a sudden, it’s a pun. Make it make sense.” I glanced around the table.
“Are you secretly calling us bitter bitches?” Mahogany joked and rolled her eyes.
“I’m getting bitter bitch vibes.” Harmony laughed.
“Did I say that? Or did I say y’all have been laying it on kind of thick ever since Daniel and I made it official.” I inquired poking at my food and twirling my ring around.
“I mean for a second there, we weren’t sure if it was going to be official.” Mahogany blurted out and brushed it off as if it were the wind.
“Excuse me?” I turned and looked directly at her.
“I mean, there were a few moments where we didn’t know if Daniel was going to make a decision. Then there was you, traveling down la la land. Was it you and Daniel? Or are you still missing Gustin, ooo or what about Reggie? Didn’t know if you all were going to settle down.”
“Mahogany, you’re taking it a little far.” Jessie interrupted.
“It’s not that you’re in a healthy relationship. All of us are extremely happy for you. It’s just that you have this way of letting your exes creep back in. It’s giving ‘if I can’t have you, no one else can.’.” Harmony mumbled.
“I’m not in the mood to do this today.” I shut the conversation down and continued to chew my food in silence.
“The real question is – what are we wearing? Rahk, it’s not like you to be this close and not know. Where’s the theme?” When I glanced up from my food, all eyes were on me. Harmony’s eyes appeared just under her jet black bangs, and Mahogany adjusted her locs to the side.
“I think it would be cute if we all went vibrant, let me do some digging tonight and I’ll put stuff in the groupchat,” I reassured them. They nodded and continued with their conversation. I stared at my phone watching texts pour in.
Daniel: Good afternoon, my love 1:37 PM
Daniel: Did you receive the flowers I sent? You never text me to say thank you. 1:37 PM
Daniel: I hope your day is going well. Again, sorry about last night. Sometimes I just get so in my head and that’s not really fair to you. 1:39 PM
Daniel: You could at least text back and tell me you’re okay, Rahkell. 1:42 PM
Rahkell: Sorry! Out to lunch - It happens to all of us. I love you and really loved the flowers, thank you, baby. I’ll see you tonight? 1:42 PM.
E. Monroe St
Chicago, IL 60603
“Hello Dr. Parker!” My receptionist happily called out as I walked into the building. I returned the smile.
“Hi Nina. How are you?”
“Swell! There’s quite a amount of flowers for you in your office. Your birthday week always brings them in.” She smiled. Her taupe skin glistened beneath her hunter-green sweater.
“I wish my allergies felt as welcoming to them,” I joked. “What’s on the schedule, today?”
“Two cancellations, and a request for an emergency appointment.”
“Claire?”
“Mmhmm.”
“Mmmmm, k, get her on the schedule.” I shook my head and walked back toward my office. When I got there, I removed the heels I wore to brunch and let my feet soak into the rug beneath my desk. I took a glance around at all the flowers that had begun to collect in my office, some from Daniel, a few from family, friends, and colleagues and lastly one large bouquet of bright orange roses, from Camille. I let my fingers trace them and closed my eyes briefly, each petal felt like her lips – deeply ingrained in my mind. Just as I felt the thought getting deeper into my head, I turned the ring and smashed it into my palm once more. Staring out the window – reality set in.
“Dr. P, your 3:30 has arrived.” Nina’s voice traveled through the speaker.
“Amazing, send them back.” I welcomed the distraction.