Damn, Denial
2. Façade
Michigan Ave, Unit G
Chicago IL, 60615
“Who are you all dressed up for?” his voice called from behind me. I stood in the kitchen waiting for food to appear in the fridge and fill the empty spaces.
“I went to eat with friends and then went to work, love.” I didn’t turn to greet him, instead, he came close behind me and placed a hand on my shoulder.
“Why don’t we go out to eat? You’ve had a long couple of days. What are you in the mood for?”
“Anything really, just not pizza.”
“That’s awkward because I was craving Giordano’s,” he smirked. I knew there was no changing his mind.
“We can do that, that’s fine.”
“Are you sure?”
“Yeah, let me just change, and then I’ll be ready to go.” I kissed his cheek before departing.
As I rushed up the stairs, I caught a glimpse of the photos of us that lined the banister. There was happiness etched into every single one of them. For a moment I paused and looked at one of us in all black. I remember feeling immensely lucky that day. Feeling as though I had found my person and I was finally safe. All I needed to do was plan a wedding, and my forever would start. I still feel like that sometimes – like some of the disagreements we shared were normal and small nightmares; that overall – this was still the same man whom I fell in love with and wanted to be a better person for.
“You okay?” his voice startled me as I turned quickly on the steps.
“Yeah, just realizing I haven’t scheduled our photos for this year, I should probably call the photographer.” I smiled down at him. He began walking up the stairs and met me in the middle.
“Why don’t we order in and spend some time together? I miss you.” He rubbed his hand across my cheek. My heart warmed.
“I would like that; I miss you too.” I closed my eyes and leaned into him. He took his hands and placed them around my hips before lifting me and walking up the stairs.
“I thought we were ordering food,” I said between tickled laughs.
“We are, but I need to do something else first.” He tossed me over his shoulder and headed straight for the room.
Now, see where the fuck has this man been for the past couple of months?
Daniel placed me on the bed gently before undressing me and then himself. Staring at me, he kissed up my leg, my side, and then my breasts. Naturally, my body gave in to his soft lips and his overall presence. He spread my legs and kissed my neck as he slowly slid in, knowing that I was ready, and my body welcomed him. Wrapped around him like a glove, I pulled him in with each stroke. Our lips met, not breaking rhythm.
“Mmm, D.” the words escaped my lips as my nails graced his back and held him in place. I felt so close to him and didn’t want the moment to end.
“You miss me?” the words danced at the front of my ear.
“Yee-ees.”
“Show me.” He lifted me and turned me around so that I was on my knees. He pressed my face into the pillow and took my hips into his hands before slipping back in. I wasted no time grinding back into him. Our bodies bounced off one another.
“Take it.” I could hear the pleasure in his voice. Gladly. I felt his fingers slipping as I picked up the pace quicker and quicker, he was lost in it, just like I wanted him to be. His strokes remained steady, but I could also feel his knees lock to hold in place. I couldn’t help it, I smirked.
“Shit, Rahk.” He muttered.
“Yes, baby?” I answered, seemingly innocent. Drown.
Naturally, though, Daniel wasn’t stupid and caught on to my method. Lifting me he laid me flat on my stomach and ensured I felt each blow.
“Hmmm, fuck.” I called back, my cheek embedding into the mattress.
“Mhmmm.”
“D.”
“Mmmhmm.” He called once more before his strokes stopped and he held into me. Did this mothafucka just….?
I froze. He kissed my back, and laid on top of me and I couldn’t move at all.
“D?” I finally spoke into the silence of the house.
“I know, I know you’re hungry, I’ll get you food.” He responded with a chuckle.
“No, D. Did you, did you just cum inside of me?” I couldn’t believe I was even asking. Daniel had always been super careful – between his image and his parents, having everything in perfect order wasn’t an option, it was mandatory.
“Is that a problem?”
“I’m just, confused I guess this isn’t anything we’ve ever talked about.”
“You’re my fiancé. I plan on spending the rest of my life with you. You’ve been asking me to show you that I want to be here and that I’m still interested.”
“I appreciate you listening to me, but maybe a conversation first?”
“I need to ask you if I can cum inside you when you’ve made it clear you want to have my children?” He finally lifted off of me, realizing I was upset. As of late, I don’t even know if I want to have you, so yes, you need to fucking ask.
“D, I’m not even on birth control, right now.” I sat up.
“So what? You want a plan B?”
“I’m not really trying to fuck with my body like that either, I guess I just don’t know where this came from.”
“I thought you would be happy about this; this is me, taking a risk, showing you I’m ready to go to the next level.”
“The next level is our wedding; can we sit and plan that before I have to walk down the aisle with your baby inside of me?” I groaned before standing to go to the bathroom and lift myself up.
“I can’t believe you’re reacting like this, Rahkell. What’s been up with you lately?”
“What’s been up with me? What are you talking about?”
“You have no interest in this relationship anymore.”
“I’ve been carrying it for months, don’t tell me I don’t have an interest in it anymore.” Ooo, bitch. I wished immediately that I could tuck the words back into my mouth.
“You’ve been carrying it?” he sat on the edge of the bed. I fell silent. I knew I didn’t want to argue, but somehow my feelings got ahead of me.
“Let’s just drop it, D.”
“No, you brought it up, so let’s talk about it. You feel like I haven’t contributed to this relationship?”
“That’s not what I said. It’s all things we’ve talked about before. I just feel like we’re both really busy with work and, don’t have time to make time.”
“You make time for your friends all the time, Rahkell.” His words were cold. There were several shots that I could throw in return, but I didn’t have the energy. I did not want to make excuses for the way I dealt with the ways he left me alone in this relationship, so I decided to respond with silence.
“Daniel, Rahkell? Hellloooo?” We heard from downstairs, and both froze.
“Is that your Mom?” I mouthed. He nodded.
“Yeah, she wanted to go over wedding lists tonight.”
“Splendid.” I turned to retreat into the bathroom.
“One second, Ma, we’ll be down.” He called back.
~~
“Now that the guest list is finalized, I figured we could talk about wedding planners.” His mother closed the binder she made herself and turned to me.
“Oh? I figured I could finalize that once we set a date.” I half smiled, knowing that with her son’s behavior this wedding had been the last thing on my mind.
“Daniel told me the date was settled, is it not?” Her eyebrows furrowed.
“Um,” I turned to Daniel who nodded as though it was.
“September 9th.” They both said in unison and smiled.
“The day his father proposed to me.” She stared up as if to reminisce.
“Oh, uh, I mean that’s fine, this is my first time hearing it. But that’s fine.” I don’t know how the fuck either of you decided it was best that you decided on my wedding date, but sure, fucking go for it.
Three knocks came at the door to save me from the dreaded conversation. As Daniel rose to get it, I stood up to go to the kitchen and grab a drink. I needed to make a therapy appointment. Prioritizing everyone else’s mental health had me negating my own and the number of significant life changes that had occurred, for the worst might I add, was taking a toll on my body. I took the glass of orange juice I had poured myself and leaned against the counter.
“Dillon!” I heard his mother exclaim and I almost spit my juice out. You have to be fucking kidding me.
“I hope you don’t mind that I stopped by. I was coming to see Daniel and then I saw your car and just knew I had to stop.” Her voice echoed throughout the walls.
“You are always welcome.” I heard his mother’s chair dance across the floor, her footsteps following to what I presume to be giving Dillon a hug.
Dillon Chancefield, a childhood friend of Daniel’s. Both Dillon and Daniel’s mothers had a bit of an oops with two of the most eligible men in their collegiate class, and around 9 months later, exactly three weeks apart, Daniel and Dillon graced the world with their presence. Assisting one another through the process of college and newborns, their mothers grew extremely close and thus, so did Daniel and Dillon. In fact, the only thing that split them apart was the colleges they selected to go to, which, as you could guess was a total disruption to the family plan. You see, Daniel and Dillon were not raised like twin brother and sister, or close cousins. No, instead, to heal their inner trauma and live vicariously through their children, Farrah Mitchell and Dion Chancefield planned and raised their children to be perfect for one another. Each of them using their societal views of what the perfect wife and husband should be and infiltrating that between a mix of what they wished they had and how they desired for their children to live their lives. And now, here I was, fucking up all of their hard work. A shame. Truly.
I had the privilege of meeting Dillon two weeks after I thought it would a beautiful idea to let go of my own space and move in with Daniel. She “randomly” decided to appear in town and pop by his house. The thing is, she was pleasant. It would almost be what annoyed me the most. Though I could spend hours dissecting all of the ways she was plotting, I didn’t desire to. Instead, I decided to play oblivious. Ignorance is bliss, after all. Regardless, since that visit, I am supposed to find no motive at all that she is in the process of moving back to Chicago, purchased a home in the same neighborhood, and pops by whenever she pleases. In fact, I should be making the most of her presence and using her to help me wedding plan and learn even more about Daniel. Whatever that fucking means. The thing I didn’t like the most about Dillon is her hidden passive aggression toward me as if I was the first. If anything, everyone could cater their anger towards Gianni, she was, after all, the first fiancé. I just felt like overall we were too old to be playing these games and Daniel was too old to be allowing it to happen.
“Rahk?” I heard him call after me. A touch of sweetness behind my name. I wanted so badly for him to be innocent in all of this, but the occurrences refused to allow me to see him in that light.
“Hmm?” I called back, finishing my orange juice.
“Dillon stopped by, I figured I would order food for all of us, would you like Chinese?”
“Sure, that sounds great!” I exclaimed, putting my happy wife face on before heading into the dining area to great Dillon. I took several deep breaths before I smoothed the red velour of my jogging suit and brushed away the flyaways in my hair. Once I felt stable, I exited the kitchen.
“Hey, you!” I smiled and extended my arms out for a hug.
“Rahk! How are you?” She stood up to embrace me. Her hair was slicked back into a ponytail, and she wore a cream off-the-shoulder sweater dress with chocolate brown booties. I realize I forgot to mention in all my recounts that Dillon was drop-dead gorgeous. By far she could have anyone she wanted. Her seemingly docile nature, manicured fingernails, and overall aura were all pleasant to the naked eye. Though trapped by the inner workings of her mother’s mind, she was extremely intelligent and had done well for herself, pursuing her MBA. She worked for a larger company and did consulting on the side, so money was not an object, she just needed her picture-perfect man to finish the deal and there I was making him order Chinese food. Tragic, really. If it makes you feel any better, I hardly see the man. Between work and wanting to be left the fuck alone, I pretty much live here alone. Would you like half of the fourth that I get?
“I’m well! Fatigued mostly, dealing with clients, but it's what I asked for. How are you, how are things at work?”
“Oh they’re great, not sure if you remember that promotion I was talking to you about, but I didn’t end up getting it, instead they curated an entire position for me.” She announced proudly before flopping back down on the black leather couch. Farrah smirked with pride.
“That’s amazing, I can’t think of anyone more deserving, what will you be doing?” I leaned against the couch Daniel sat on and just as I did, caught a glimpse of his screen. I thought his head was buried in his phone ordering our food, but instead the words “I’m so proud of you, D. I can’t express it enough,” were being typed in a private message to Dillon all while we sat face to face. My eyes rose quickly as I returned to the conversation. I knew I had to remain poker-faced. What I cannot express enough is the immense desire to run upstairs and scrape any traces of your ejaculation out of me.
“I will be the coordinator of all of our executive clients and accounts.”
“That’s super dope and I’m sure will give you even more exposure for consulting,” as I was about to finish my conversation, my phone began to ring in my pocket. When I pulled it out, I saw Camille’s name on the screen. “If you’ll excuse me, I need to take this.” I hustled to a closed space.
“Hello?”
“Meet me for dinner. I want to talk.”
“Now isn’t a good time.”
“Oh? Then when is?”
“I don’t know. Later, I’m handling some wedding stuff right now.”
“I just drove by your house. You don’t want to be there.” You are absolutely right. You’re not wrong.
“Why were you here?”
“Because I want to talk to you. I want to see you.” I paused. I knew that even if I went my presence wouldn’t be missed and I was dying to talk to someone about what was going on because keeping it to myself made me feel insane. At the same time leaving felt like I wasn’t fighting to stop the disruptions to my seemingly perfect soon-to-be union. Was I really just giving up?
“I was thinking a fat ass steak, as a form of my apology?”
“Sold, I’ll see you in twenty.” I hung up the phone before returning to the room.
“Well, cancel my portion of the order. I need to head out for an emergency client.” I announced seemingly sad.
“Tonight, right now, Rahk? Can someone else handle it?” Farrah seemingly pouted when we both know she was reveling on the inside.
“Unfortunately, no, but you all go on, seriously. It’ll be nice to catch up and then, Baby,” I said prancing over to Daniel just to fuck with everyone in the room. I made direct eye contact, flashed the fat ass rock on my finger, and caressed his face with that hand. “I’ll be home later.” I kissed his lips with such intention both Farrah and Dillon had to turn away. Yeah, sit in that.
I heard the conversation resume as I trotted up the stairs to put on my sexiest black dress. I, of course, would hide it under a peacoat and sneak out of the garage door. My heartbeat raced with excitement. I wanted to talk to Camille about everything, make her feel bad about Mel, gain some validation about the craziness going on in my current situation, and overall, just receive the attention that my current situation lacked, heavily.