Damn, Denial
3. Small Truths
Pt. 1
222 N La Salle St
Chicago IL, 60601
I strutted into the restaurant, pulling my coat off before I arrived at the table. Ahead of me, I could see Camille, sitting in a hunter-green suit, her chest tattoo peaking. She stared at me from head to toe before I reached the table.
“For someone who didn’t want to see me, you sure are dressed up,” she nudged as I stood in front of the table smiling at her.
“Relax,” I said and finally made my way to the table. She pulled me by the hand and embraced me. Her smell took over my senses and my body was calm. For a moment I pulled back and we stared one another in the eye, I watched her pupils dance between dilation and I’m sure mine mimicked their rhythm. A sign of love in a pure form – even if distant. We didn’t speak, just let our eyes scan one another to ensure that we were as we left one another – whole.
“Order whatever you want.” She smiled at me. You’re not on the menu, love.
“When did you get back in town?”
“A couple of hours ago. You’re the first person I wanted to see.”
“How was your trip?”
“Top 10 was a dream.”
“What made you take Mel?” No holding back, huh? Our server approached the table.
“We’ll do the porterhouse for two. Two lobster tails. Whipped potatoes and sauteed broccoli. A Caesar for the table and whatever wine is recommended.” Camille didn’t take her eyes off me when she ordered but addressed our server’s presence with our order. She turned momentarily to smile and hand over the menus.
“I’ll put that right in.” our server assured Camille before walking off.
“I told you we’re together now, Rahk.”
“How?”
“How not?”
“That’s not why I introduced the two of you. It was for networking.”
“And then things shifted. There isn’t anything wrong with that. I’m honestly not sure why this is bothering you so much, especially considering,”
“Don’t go there. I could’ve stayed at home to be reminded of that, and that’s something we can unpack at a later date. I don’t understand why you told me you loved me, knowing you wanted to be with Mel?”
“Because I do, and I always have. Think about everything we’ve been through together. Think about all I have overcome with you. Not to cause any flashbacks – but, when everything went down – whom did you call?” Mel’s hand casually rested on my thigh and my mind went absent for a moment. I could vaguely call my distressed calls to Camille. The fact that at that moment she was the person I thought to call – no one else, spoke volumes. I was terrified and she was my sense of comfort.
“Then why, Mel? Why never?”
“I don’t believe in starting things in the midst of healing.” Her words, true and necessary were equally as painful.
“I understand.” Those were the only words that I could manage to get out.
“You didn’t think we would fall for one another, did you?” Wasn’t the fucking plan. She asked blatantly as plates sat down in front of us.
How could I not? I hadn’t seen Mel in person in some time, but her image was etched in my brain. Last I saw her, her locs were pulled into an updo. I remember her facial features being softer. Her eyebrows were arched perfectly and her lashes full. She was the perfect representation of a dominant femme. Her copacetic demeanor, the rationale for everything, and intelligent way of existing. The only one who could truly match her would be Camille, but in her own special way. Though she was clearly in charge in every aspect of her life, the intimacy she craved was quite the opposite. They could fulfill one another’s needs with ease. Mel had a way of making someone feel like they were the only person on earth, likely because they were. Her ability to center you in her world and cater to your every need was unmatched. Camille was a powerhouse, all she needed was devotion and she could and would make any dream come true. I thought bringing them together to collab on an idea that Mel had was a good idea, but I hadn’t considered what their minds would be like aligned, and what all that time together could do. My own selfish desires for both of them blinded me to their abilities together. It was the same thing that had me at a table pouting about something that was not my business and shouldn’t have been any of my concerns.
“It wasn’t the first thing to cross my mind,” I whispered, taking a bite of my salad.
“Well, mine either, but I’m happy. That matters, right?” She paused and made me look her in the eye. I did and for that moment I finally saw that she was. There was a piece unattained by anything we had encountered or our situation altogether.
“It does matter to me. You know that it matters to me. I just would’ve liked to know instead of finding out with the rest of the world.” My fingers danced across the table. My mind began to race. I wondered when I reached the point where nothing made sense in my world. My mind often felt clouded and I spent most of my days cycling through memories as they juxtaposed against my reality.
“What’s going on with you, Rahk?” she finally read into my mind. She took my hand into hers and held it tightly.
“Can we finish eating, first and then go somewhere?” I felt the anxiety that always crept in approaching, but I didn’t want it to happen here. I wanted to finish before we started.